Chapter 14: We Just Did

“Hannah?” Addy breathes the word like it’s a curse. “Like…the Hannah?”

The Hannah, indeed. My heart turns to shreds as our eyes meet, confirming something I’ve known and dreaded the whole time I’ve been in Robin’s Brook: I’m still in love with Hannah Park. I hate that I’m still in love with her, but that shit doesn’t just vanish the instant somebody hurts you, does it? Besides, it’s not my fault. She’s gorgeous. Her skin, a warm, tawny beige that always tans in the summer, is flawless. Her platinum-blonde hair is styled in an effortlessly sexy pixie cut, her lips tinted a dark red that make her deep brown eyes really pop. She has the cutest little upturned nose, perfectly trimmed brows, long eyelashes, and a sharp chin, all features I absolutely love. She’s also taller than me, which is always a plus, although not quite as tall as Addison with her model-worthy body. To sum up: Hannah is extremely easy on the eyes, and right now I hate that she’s still looking so godsdamn good.

Unfortunately for both of us, that’s her best feature. Her worst features being all the lying, backstabbing, and cheating.

Hannah ignores Addy and lunges to hug me. I shrug her off and back away. I don’t want her touch, not anymore, not after what she’s done. She deflates instantly, but doesn’t relent. “Look, babe—”

“Don’t you dare call me that,” I say. Babe is reserved for people who don’t hurt me.

Hannah sighs. “...can we talk in private?” She glances sidelong at Addy, who is still standing by the door with her arms across her chest. I get the feeling the only reason she hasn’t kicked Hannah out yet is because she’s waiting for me to do the honors. If only it were that easy.

“Anything you want to say, you can say in front of Addison,” I say.

“And just who the fuck is this Addison, anyway?” Hannah says, her words laced with accusation.

“Who the fuck am I?” That sure as hell pisses Addy off. I’ve never seen her this angry, not even with Malcolm. “I’m the one who’s been taking care of Lum after you went and broke their heart—”

“Nobody fucking asked you,” Hannah yells back. “We get into one fight and, what, you’re already shacking up with some random girl?”

I pinch between my brows, my head already starting to hurt from all of this arguing. “Enough, Hannah. Addy’s right. She helped pick me back up after you went and wrecked everything. Don’t you dare try to turn this around on her.” It’s what she always did. Play the victim card. Make other people feel like shit. Never accept blame for anything. Not this time. “And how dare you take that tone with me. You accuse me of ‘shacking up with somebody’ after you went and cheated on me with Jason? Again?” My voice was nice and level before, but no longer. “Do you have any fucking clue how much you’ve hurt me?”

“Look, you’re right. I fucked up. But then you just up and left like our whole relationship meant nothing to you. Instead of staying and trying to work things out, you just vanished. You didn’t even say goodbye.”

“Funny, I didn’t hear an apology in there,” I say, my voice venomous. She winces like I’ve just struck her. 

“It's Jason's fault, he's the one who got me drunk...!” she makes an attempt.

I don’t believe her. “How did you even find me, anyway?”

She lifts her phone. “We share our locations, remember?” Oh. Right. I’m an idiot. That’s how I knew about her and Jason to begin with. She’d said she was hanging out with “friends.” Liar. How could I have forgotten? “I had no idea where the fuck you were going. You haven’t been answering any of my texts or calls. As soon as I saw that you’d stopped somewhere, I got in my car and drove to come get you.”

It’s true that she looks like somebody who’s been driving for hours and hours at a time, despite her beauty. The dark circles under her eyes are more pronounced than normal, and her eyes are bloodshot. Maybe by running off I did hurt her. But it’s nothing compared to what she put me through. “To come get me?” I shout, incredulous. “You’re insane if you think I’m going home with you. You drove out here for nothing, Hannah. We’re done. It’s over.”

“So that’s it? You just run away from your problems like a child? Do you have any idea how worried I was? How worried your parents are?”

“Bullshit.”

“Babe—Lum—I drove all the way here the second I could. You don’t think I was worried about you?”

Silence hangs in the room. Maybe she was worried. Maybe she wasn’t. I wouldn’t put it past her to pull something like this just to manipulate me into coming home. It would be just like her. “I don’t trust you,” I finally say. “I can’t trust a single thing you say. Not anymore.”

To my horror, it looks like Hannah is going to cry. I’m just about ready to join her. It’s heart-wrenching seeing the woman I used to love acting this way. Tears welling in her eyes, her lip quivering. Could that all really be a manipulation? “Come on, Lum. Please. Give me a chance. You don’t have to come home with me yet, we can just…sit and talk.”

I feel myself caving before the cave-in occurs. It feels like a knife twisting in my chest. Memories come flooding back to me, memories of me leaning against Hannah on our couch, my nose in a book. Her arms wrapped around me as we snuggle in bed, myself the little spoon as always. Flowers on the kitchen counter, the scent of her shampoo on my pillow, “how was work, babe?” whenever I got home. Soft kisses as I drifted off to sleep, pancakes in the morning.

It wasn’t all good. It doesn’t erase the hurt. But it doesn’t mean I don’t miss it. Miss her.

Maybe she’s right. I acted like a coward. I ran away from home like a child and now I’m living some weird runaway fantasy in this weird town full of people I barely know. Just this morning I was thinking about how much I like it here, but now all of a sudden all I can think about is home. 

If it sounds like I am weak and fickle, that’s because my brain is an erratic, impulsive thing and I hate it. I can’t stress that enough.

“I…fine,” I finally relent.

“Fine?” Hannah and Addison blurt out at the same time, for extremely different reasons.

Hannah rushes over to me and grabs my hands. “You'll come home?”

I’ll hate myself for this. But I can’t help it. She’s always right. “I’ll…yeah, I’ll come home.” Sorry, Rey. I won’t be able to make it to your bonfire tomorrow, after all.

“Fantastic!” She grins and gives me a crushing, but unasked-for hug. “We can talk more on the way. Go get your things. I’ll wait down here.” There she goes ordering me around again. I don’t hug her back. I just stomp over to where Addy is standing and offer a mumbled, “sorry.”

She doesn’t respond at first. I don’t know how to read her expression. Concern? Pity?...Can it be…sadness? Really? “It was a mistake coming here,” I say quietly enough that Hannah can’t hear.

“I don’t think that’s true,” Addison replies. “But I can’t make you stay. If this is what you want, then… I wish you the best.”

“Thank you again for everything.”

“You don’t need to thank me, little lamb.” My cheeks burn as she calls me by her favorite nickname. “Stay in touch, okay? And if you ever need to come back, there will always be a place for you right here. I mean it. Always.”

I don’t know what I did to garner such loyalty. It’s not like I did much for Addison other than wash dishes and sweep up the place. I don’t deserve this anyway.

I head upstairs and start getting my things together. I also change out of Addison’s Coheed & Cambria t-shirt and into my own clothing, so Hannah doesn’t freak out on me again over nothing. Was it nothing, though? A few nights ago I came just thinking about Addison. That doesn’t seem like nothing. That doesn’t seem like something that would go away even if I did get back together with Hannah. Gods, am I really getting back together with Hannah? What am I even doing?

I thought I was lost when I first arrived in Robin’s Brook. I was wrong. Now, in this moment, I am truly and completely lost.

I gather up the rest of my things just in time to hear an argument heating up downstairs. I rush downstairs and catch the tail end of it—

“—like you’re one to talk. I wonder how long it took for you to try to get into Lum’s pants.”

“Look, nothing like that happened, but even if it had, it would be your fault for pushing them away to begin with.”

“My fault? How fucking dare you.”

“Yes, your fault. You cheated on them. Are you really not going to take responsibility for that?”

“I dunno, are you going to take responsibility for keeping them holed up in this weird, gross town?”

“I didn’t—”

I hit the bottom step, run through the kitchen, and crash into the main room, panting. “Shut the hell up, both of you!” I scream.

That sure as shit shuts them up, all right.

“Hannah, Addison did not ‘keep me here,’ she offered me a place to stay when I needed one, and that’s it. There is nothing more going on between us.” I’m not looking at Addison’s expression as I say this. I can’t bear to. “And for the record, she’s right. You have a lot to answer for, and just because I agreed to come home doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you. Maybe I was childish when I ran off, but I ran off because of you. You don’t get to criticize me for that. And honestly, fuck you for going after Addy like that after all she did for me.”

Hannah crosses her arms, stares at Addison, and huffs out a breath. “I don’t trust her.”

“That’s fucking rich, coming from you,” I say. Addison says nothing, apparently figuring she’d done enough damage.

“Look, can we just get out of here?” she says, throwing up her hands. “The sooner we get back to our place, the better.”

“I’m not going to ‘our place,’” I clarify.

“What do you mean?”

“There is no ‘our place.’ You and I are over. The end. I said I’m heading home. I never said I’m heading to our home.” Hannah looks like she’s just been slapped across the face, which I have to say, is extremely gratifying. “I’ll go to Mom and Dad’s and get an apology from them at least, since you refuse to give me one. And then I’ll find a new place to stay. Alone.”

“Please, Lum, come on, don’t do this,” she begs. “I drove all the way out here for you. Can we at least talk about this?”

“We just did,” I bark.

All of a sudden, Hannah’s expression flips to an all-too-familiar anger. “Fine then. Fuck you and fuck this stupid place.” She bounds out the door. It slams behind her, drowning out the jingle of the bell over the door, and she’s gone.

“Fuck you very much for coming! Don’t come back!” Addy calls out after her with a cocksure grin on her face. Then she pulls me into a searing hug. “I’m so proud of you for how you handled that, lamb.”

But I don’t feel proud. It feels like all of the blood has left my body. “She didn’t even say sorry.” The world spins around me, but I am a statue. “She didn’t even say it.”

“I know, lamb. I know.”

“It’s not fair,” is the last thing I can get out before the tears come. Addison wraps me in her arms and I cry into her chest for longer than I care to admit. She runs her fingers through my hair. Like Hannah used to. And the tears don’t stop.

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