Chapter 15: My New Home

“So you’re really leaving?” Addison says, now that my tears are dry and there’s food in my stomach. It’s been a couple hours since Hannah left, and who knows where she is now. For all I know she’s waiting to ambush me outside. I wouldn’t put it past her. No, bad Lum. I have to stop thinking about her or I’ll wind up in tears again, and I don’t want to put Addison through that a second time. The amount of emotional labor she’s done for me in such a short time is staggering. I wonder when she’ll get sick of it. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, now that I’m heading home.

“Yeah,” I say, sighing and lugging my backpack onto my right shoulder. “Hannah was right about one thing. It was childish of me to run away like that. Especially to do that without telling anyone where I was going. Granted, Hannah stabbed me in the back, and my parents were assholes to me, and everything else, but…I didn’t mean to make them worry.”

Addison pulls me into another hug, one of many I’ve received this morning. “What I said before still stands. You always have a place here.”

“Thank you, Addy. For everything. I really don’t know what I would have done if it weren’t for you.” I gotta stop doing this, because I’m about to cry again. I preemptively wipe my eyes and clear out the hitch in my throat. “I’ll keep in touch, don’t worry.”

“You damn well better,” Addy says, wearing her signature smirk, that smirk that haunts my dreams. I swear as long as I live I’ll never forget her. It takes every ounce of willpower in my body to tear myself away from her, but somehow, mercifully, I do. 

“See you around, Addy.”

“I hope so, my little lamb.” Is she blushing, or is it just my imagination? Who knows. My brain’s been playing tricks on me ever since I arrived. Maybe even before I arrived. I decide that the occasion calls for one more hug. Before I can think twice, I dive for her, wrapping my arms around her waist and nestling into her. She scritches the back of my head with her long nails and I never want to leave.

But I do. I pull away. Because I don’t deserve good things. I’ll go back home and probably reconcile with my shitty family who doesn’t get me, my ex who doesn’t truly love me, my boss who doesn’t respect me. I’ll go back to a town I hate and leave these wonderful new friends behind, because Hannah is right. I’m a coward.

Before I realize what’s happening, Addy grabs my wrist and pulls me back to her. She cradles my chin with her fingers and leans in, kissing my right cheek softly. For an immortal moment, my heart ceases to function. My cheek burns from the touch of her lips. I don’t know how to react. There’s a small part of me that wants to run away. There’s another part that wants to kiss her back. Deep down, an even more primal part of me wants her to drag me upstairs and have her way with me. The rest of me is trying desperately to justify a cheek kiss as nothing more than a friendly gesture, despite my wobbly knees.

I settle for deer-in-headlights, followed by a good old-fashioned thank you. Because, again, coward.

We exchange last goodbyes, and the next thing I know, the door to the Rat & Raven is closing behind me for what is probably the last time. I hop into Windy, turn on the engine, and just let it idle for a short time while I regain my senses. It was…nice, for a while. A little getaway from the rest of my shit life. I’ll have to message Rey later and apologize to her for not saying goodbye. And Laetitia…I don’t even know what to say to her. But I don’t have her number anyway. And it’s not like I have any reason to—

—oh, shit.

I zip open the backpack I’d thrown onto my passenger seat and pull out my copy of Confess to Me, the book I’d taken out from the Robin’s Brook Library and never returned. Fuck me. I guess I have one last stop to make before I leave, after all. 

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Let me start by saying I’m not looking for Laetitia. I just wanted to return my book and maybe say goodbye to her if she happened to be around. But that’s just, you know, a side objective. So when I tell you that the first thing my eyes are drawn to when I enter the library is Laetitia, I swear it’s not because I was looking.

It’s because Laetitia Gelsper is fucking radiant. 

She’s wearing a short white skirt with a frilly azure-blue blouse tucked into it. Her figure is even more of an hourglass than it usually is, her shoulders looking broader than usual due to the loose fit of the blouse’s sleeves. The neckline is low. Dangerously low. Her black hair is pulled into a high bun, smaller braids cascading down over her shoulders. As always, her eyes are bright, piercing. When she spots me staring at her, it’s those eyes that sink their hooks into me. I can practically hear my heartbeat. Where do those sapphire eyes even come from? How can they be so blue?

Laetitia crosses her arms as she approaches. “Hello, degenerate.”

I wince. So she’s still going to refer to me that way, huh? “Hey Laetit—” I gulp, remembering how she made me address her last time I was here. “Ms. Gelsper.”

The slightest of smiles crawls across her face. “Very good, pet.” My cheeks burn with shame. I don’t want to know how wet that just made me. Probably more than I could ever admit. Let’s assume it’s a lot. I’ll find out on the drive home when I’m no doubt replaying this conversation over and over in my mind.

I give her a stupid, timid smile and lift up the book I borrowed. “I, uhh, need to return this.”

She sighs. “Bring it to the counter and I’ll help you.”

She takes the long way around through an employee-only door while I walk straight to the window, winding my way through the New Arrivals section and the used books for sale. The library is fairly empty at this early hour, but there’s one elderly lady perusing the periodicals and a couple checking out the DVDs for rent.

By the time I've gotten to the counter, Laetitia is already on the computer on the other side. She swipes the book out of my hands and scans it. “I assume you enjoyed it,” she says pointedly.

Might as well lean into it. “I think you know that I did.”

“Yes, quite firsthand,” she replies.

I can never quite get a handle on Laetitia. Is this her sense of humor showing? Does she even have one? My lips tingle with the memory of her kiss. I can't fathom why she did that. Why she “claimed” me. I just don't understand her.

.And I guess I never will. I should probably break the news to her.

“I, uhhh…” I start, but it's hard to get the words out for some reason. She simply stares at me while I dawdle. “I'm leaving,” I finally say.

“Leaving…the library?”

“No, I’m, um.” I sigh. “I’m going home.”

She glares at me with ice-cold eyes that almost shimmer in the light. “No you’re not.”

I blink. “I…what? Yeah, I am.”

“And who told you that you were allowed to leave?” Laetitia says, deadly serious. “I certainly did not give you permission.”

I’m about to give her a piece of my mind when I remember: she’s “claimed” me, whatever that means. Is this her way of saying she doesn’t want me to go? “You can’t tell me what I can and can’t do.”

“I can’t?” she raises an eyebrow. “Come closer.”

Without thinking, I step forward until my waist is pressed up against the side of the counter. She reaches out, grabs me by the collar of my shirt, and pulls until my face is inches from hers. “See? You’re so good at following instructions.”

This really shouldn’t be hot. I should be angry, the same way I got flipped out at Addy for trying to control my actions. But this is different. Laetitia didn’t claim me—I let Laetitia claim me. And for some reason, whatever is happening between us drives me wild.

Her eyes dart down to my lips. She smirks. 

“H-here? But, there could be people watching—” I stammer.

Her eyebrows shoot up. “I didn’t think you cared about that, degenerate.”

“I…I…” Finally, I just snap. “What is it that you want from me, Laetitia?”

She leans in and kisses my left cheek—just opposite the side Addy’s lips touched not long ago. “Isn’t it obvious?” she whispers into my ear. “What I want is for you to surrender yourself to me. I’ve already claimed you for myself. So tell me that you’ll stay.”

I sway on my feet, dizzy from all of this. “I can’t stay. This place…it was just a place to hide from all my problems. It’s not my home. I have to go back. My parents are worried about me, and I…I can get a new job, and maybe…” Maybe things with Hannah can go back to normal. Maybe. I hate that I’m so weak. I hate that I’m thinking about letting her worm her way back into my life. But I can’t help but miss her. Despite it all. “...face my problems head-on instead of running away from them.”

Laetitia’s lips become firm, unmoving. Her eyes narrow. After a held breath, she shakes her head. “Disappointing.”

“Oh, well, I’m sorry to disappoint you,” I say sarcastically.

She types something on her computer and places Confess to Me on a cart behind her, filled with other newly-returned books. “I don’t think you ran away from your problems,” she says. “I think you coming here was your way of confronting them. Your solution to an impossible situation.”

The fuck? “I never told you why I came here. Do you know something?”

“Outsiders don’t wind up in a place like this unless they have nowhere else to go,” she explains without explanation. “I don’t think you coming here was an accident.”

“Hannah seemed to find this place just fine,” I grumble. 

“Hannah?” Laetitia’s eyes flash and her expression turns sour. “Who’s Hannah?”

“My ex. She showed up here begging me to come home.”

“I think leaving would be running away from your problems, not the other way around,” Laetitia says. “And besides, you can’t really leave. Not anymore.”

What I want to say: What the hell does that mean?

What I actually do: Say “Watch me,” turn around, and leave. I stomp out of the building without another word. A few people stare at me as I leave, but I don’t care. It’s time to go. I’m all fueled up and I have enough gas money for the trip. I might not be able to stop for food much along the way, but I can get there just fine. I’ve done it before and I can do it again.

Back into Windy once more. “Time to go, girl,” I tell her as I start the engine. I putter off onto the main road and drive uphill, past the park Rey showed me the other day, past the Rat & Raven and past the WELCOME TO ROBIN’S BROOK sign I saw on my way in. It’s done. I’m on my way home.

Hours pass. The sky darkens as it gets later and later, and I can hear thunder in the distance. Great. I’ll be driving in rain soon, I guess. Fun times. As the rain starts to patter against my windshield, I remember how it felt when I first left home. I was pissed. I was motivated. I had energy, real energy, like life suddenly mattered. Life was hot, vivid, angry. It sparked like fire. And ever since, it’s been…fresh. Interesting. New. 

The farther I get, the more I can’t get Laetitia’s words out of my head. Leaving would be running away from your problems. Is that true? I think about Hannah, about the way she wants things to just go back to normal, and my inclination to just let it happen. I think about my “worried” parents, my shitty job, my hometown I have no attachment to whatsoever. Wouldn’t the brave thing be striking out somewhere new, far from the safety net of my parents? Wouldn’t it take self-respect and courage to leave somebody who hurt me behind, even if I still have feelings for her? Wouldn’t it be more fulfilling to work somewhere I love, somewhere that cares about me?

What I now realize: Laetitia is fucking right. I can’t really leave. Not anymore. Maybe I was a coward when I first left, but I’ve found somewhere special, with people who actually give a shit about me. Shouldn’t I give it a chance? Shouldn’t I want to stay in Robin’s Brook? I do. I do want to stay in Robin’s Brook. With Addy, and Rey, and even Laetitia.

Both my cheeks tingle with the memories of two very different kisses. What the fuck am I doing out here? Why am I not taking this chance I’ve been given? Words dance through my mind. Very good, pet, as I follow Laetitia’s instructions. You’ll always have a place here, as I promise Addy I’ll stay in touch. You can count on it, as Rey grins when I tell her I’ll be at her bonfire tomorrow.

I stomp on my brakes and slide onto the shoulder, water spraying from my tires. It hurts to be this far from home. Not the home where I quit my job, the home where I left my family, the home where my lover broke my heart.

My new home.

I spin the wheel and slam on the pedal. I’ll keep my promise to Hannah. I am going home. A better home. A home I can’t possibly leave.

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Next Chapter!