Chapter 13: Am I an Idiot?

Friday morning, four words pop into my mind. Four simple words that, frankly, blow my mind a little.

“I like it here.”

I’ve only been in Robin’s Brook a few days, and already I feel like I am losing myself to this place. I don’t mean that in a bad way; quite the opposite, really. I don’t know how to explain it. You ever just fall into place? I’m usually the one who only falls apart. But this time, it’s all working out. I might be staying on a couch, but it’s a comfy couch in the cozy apartment of a wonderful woman who I am definitely not developing a crush on, shush you. I might be working a fairly menial job, but it’s at the Rat & Raven, a place I fell in love with within minutes of entering. And I might have nowhere else to go, but where else would I go? I like it here.

The rest of the week had flown by. Addy fed me a glorious turkey pesto sandwich when I got back from Rey’s, and whatever anger toward her I had left dissipated instantly. Every minute I spent with her was precious, and I gobbled it up the same way I gobbled up any food she fed me. I even got to hang out with Val for a few shifts. They’re different from Addison in a lot of ways—a lot more physical, rougher around the edges, but still fiercely kind and protective to their people. Their “kindling,” as they called them that one time. Still haven’t gotten a straight answer about that, but I’ve chalked it up to being a term of endearment for the somewhat younger crowd that Rey rolls with.

Speaking of Rey, we continued to talk throughout the week. She came in a couple times to play D&D with her friends and even offered me a place at their table, which is incredibly nice of them considering they barely know me and I haven’t played in like a decade. I don’t know what I’ve done to garner such kindness, but after years of neglect, I’m going to take it. In the form of an Elven Ranger of some sort, probably. Don’t judge me. I like Lord of the Rings a lot.

I’ve never had a workplace I liked before. See also: aforementioned boss who fired me for no good reason and backstabbing coworker who caused the problem in the first place. But Addy and Val, I like them. Rey and her friends, I like them. The Rat & Raven feels like home. I like it here.

Cue mind_blown.gif. I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but to me, it’s everything. A place that feels like home. Granted, I’ll eventually need to get a place of my own, and Robin’s Brook is pretty godsdamn weird, don’t get me wrong. But even so…I don’t want to leave. 

Am I an idiot for wanting to stay? It’s been less than a week, after all. I barely know these people. And yet…I feel like I’ve known them for much longer. I suppose it feels less stupid than what I did when I originally left: hop in my car and drive west with absolutely no plan and, apparently, not enough money to even get me to my destination. 

And even though I want to stay, that original goal still dances on the edges of my mind like some kind of specter. Leave, you coward, it says. Drive west and never look back. You’re only here because you’ve latched on to the first thing that paid any attention to you. Like you always do. 

Shut up, voice. Fuck the coast. I’m staying. 

Addy enters her living room wearing her usual pajamas—a pair of boyshorts and an oversized tanktop, this one sporting a Misfits logo and a misshapen skull—and plops down next to me on the couch. She is somehow immaculate despite having just woken up. I swear, she looks just as good without makeup as she does with. That’s some kind of sin against nature, I think. I on the other hand look like a total schloch. In case you don’t know, that’s my-Jewish-grandma-speak for “mess of a person” and yes, she used to call me that herself. My hair is a rat’s nest of unwashed curls, yesterday’s mascara has probably stained the area under my eyes black, and I could really use a hot shower.

I’m about to shift to give Addy more room, seeing as I’m currently lying down and it’s only a 3-cushion affair, but she pats my leg as if to tell me not to. “How are you doing, little lamb? You seemed lost in thought when I walked in.”

“I was,” I admit. “Just thinking about…well, thinking about what to do.”

“What to do?” Her face skews in concern. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I appreciate you letting me stay here, but I can’t stay on your couch forever. Sooner or later I have to either leave, or…” I trail off. Despite my earlier resolution, saying “get my own place” feels too soon. “...something.”

“Oh lamb,” she says, running her hand up and down my leg over the blanket I’m encased in. What I wouldn’t give for that blanket to vanish right about now. What a difference that would make. “You don’t have to worry about that just yet. You can stay for as long as you need.”

“I know, I know. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. I just…I want to stay, you know? Is that crazy?”

She shakes her head. “It’s not crazy. This is a nice town with good people. Well, at least, some of them are good, at least. That’s enough for me. I hope it’s enough for you too.” She sucks in a breath. “I hope I’m not pressuring you to stay or anything.”

“No, not at all. If anything, I’m pressuring myself to stay.” One look at Addison, and a genuine grin crawls across my face. “Truth is, I left home to find some other place to stay, and I have. Someplace where I don’t have to worry about Hannah, about my old job, about my parents, about any of that shit. That’s enough for me.”

“If what you need is a reprieve from all of that, that’s something I can offer,” Addison says. “Besides, you’ve been a huge help around the café. It’s been really nice having a third hand so we’re not always doing solo shifts. I really mean that.”

“Why didn’t you just hire one of Rey’s friends? They’re here all the time. They’d probably love an excuse to hang around even more.” I’m essentially talking to the blanket at this point. Not that I don’t love looking at Addy’s beautiful face, but I’m not exactly feeling super confident at the moment.

“Most of them already have jobs,” she explains, “and the ones who don’t would rather not ruin their favorite hangout spot by making it their workplace.” 

That’s a fair point. I’m the one with no boundaries, after all. Thanks, Jeanine. Yes, I am on a first-name basis with my therapist, and no, she does not currently know that I’ve fled the state, and please don’t tell her, thank you.

“So you really do want me to stay?” She can say it a million times and I’ll still want to hear the words directly from her mouth. Have I mentioned the trust issues yet?

“Yes, lamb.” She reaches out to touch my chin, lifting it ever so slightly so she can meet my gaze. If I was standing, no doubt my knees would be jelly right now. Please kiss me, gods, I would give anything for her to kiss me. “I want you to stay. And I don’t mind reassuring you that over and over if that’s what you need. I want you to stay, I like having you here, and I enjoy your company.”

My lip trembles and something catches in my throat. No, don’t cry, you moron. Be cool. I smile instead. Addy keeps her hand on my chin and I melt. I can’t tell what I need more; to cry or to kiss her. Possibly both at the same time. I lean in to do one or the other, I’m not sure which, when suddenly—

WHAM.

A loud bang from downstairs startles both of us. Somebody is knocking—no, slamming—on the front door to the Rat & Raven. Hard enough that we can hear it all the way up here. “The hell?” Addy says. She hops up onto her feet and starts running down the stairs. I throw the covers off of me, wipe my eyes, and follow as quickly as I can. By the time I hit the bottom of the stairs, the pounding on the door has resumed, along with a muffled “Hellooooo! Open up please!!” from outside. I can barely tell, but from this distance, it sounds like a feminine voice.

Addy reaches the front door by the time I make it to the door behind the counter. She motions for me to stay back and parts the blinds to see who is at the door. I wonder who could be making such a racket at this hour. I can’t imagine Laetitia would have any reason to come here, but I could see her not giving a shit about waking Addy up early or something. Maybe it’s Val, late for their morning shift or something? And they forgot their keys?

“We’re closed,” Addy shouts to the person on the other side. Well, that rules out Val. “Come back at 9 am please!”

“No!” the voice insists. “Please, just—is—I’m looking for someone, is Lum there?”

All of the energy drains from my body all at once. No, no, this isn’t happening.

Addison glances back at me with a look of confusion and concern. I think she’s giving me a moment to decide. I shake my head. I recognize who that voice belongs to now, and I don’t want to see her. How the hell did she find me? How the absolute hell?

“Nobody here by that name,” Addy shouts back.

“Look no offense, but I know that’s bullshit! I see their car right outside, so I know they’re here. Please just let me in!”

Addy looks back at me and shrugs. I don’t know what to say. We can continue to insist I’m not here, but eventually the café will open and she’ll be able to just walk right in and see me. There’s no point in delaying this any further. I come out from behind the counter and give Addy a nod, defeated. Addy mouths to me: are you sure?

“Let’s just get this over with,” I whisper to her.

She nods and unlocks the door, swinging it open but remaining entirely in the way. I can just make out her platinum-blonde locks with a splotch of blue down one side. Gods, please, anything but this.

Addy says something very quiet under her breath to the figure in the doorway. I can’t tell what it was, but judging from the tone, it was something very not-cool-with-this-situation. A threat, maybe? The idea of Addy threatening someone on my behalf shouldn’t turn me on, but dammit, I am only human. Then, Addy shifts to the side, revealing the person I wanted to see the least in the entire world.

“Ohmygod, Lum,” she says when she sees me. Her eyes dance up and down my body like she’s seeing a ghost. Her face is pale as can be. “You’re okay. Oh, thank god you’re okay.”

“Hello, Hannah,” I reply, the taste of her name bitter on my tongue.

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